You Are. So.Much.More

I get extremely emotional during/after yoga trainings for some reason. Those great teachers must have magic wands to relieve some of the pain and tensions in the body and memories.

I was 22 years old when it happened. In love for the first time, or so I thought. Looking back, it wasn’t love. It was as far from the word as you could possibly get. But what did I know? He was older and I was so taken by his interest. Infatuated. I remember I wasn’t ready but he persisted. He said if I wasn’t going to do it, he’d find someone else to do it with. I had this pit in my stomach. And I didn’t think I had a choice to say no. I thought I would just give it a go. I think that’s why I buried it for so long. I didn’t tell anyone about what really happened in the relationship. And for a while I convinced myself that this was how a relationship was supposed to be like. I felt so ashamed. Embarrassed. Weak. I felt as though it was my fault because I didn’t have the strength to say no. I blamed myself for years. Locked parts of myself away. Struggling in silence. Few years later still, I sometimes find myself confronting some of those demons. Those up and down moments with him still come up during my meditation, And I do find it super challenging to let it go.

But I am not what happened to me. I have found my voice. My fire. I am not weak. I shouldn’t have known better. It was not my fault. He should have known better. It’s taken me time to forgive myself and forgive him. I know I’m not the only one out there who has experienced something like this, which is hard to swallow. If you have, know that you are not what happened to you. You are so. much. more.