Your New Year Relationship Goal?!

We are at this time of the year, where it can be particularly painful to be alone. And it can be really painful to be alone when we’ve lost someone that somewhere in our mind as the person we were supposed to be with.

That pain can be made even worse if we think that the reason that the relationship didn’t work was because of something we did. Maybe we were too anxious, too insecure, too jealous; when you feel like that, it’s dangerous because now you can torture yourself with guilt, shame, constant self-judgement and that put you on a loop. And the loop is ‘if I’d only done this way, I would still have that person.’ ‘If I’d only been this way...’ ‘if I’d only stopped doing that thing.’ ‘That person would still be in my life.’

Don’t assume the relationship would have been perfect. You don’t always know the reasons why someone has decided to break up with you. They always give you their reasons but we can’t always take those at face value. They often give us the most convenient reasons- the reasons are easy for them to say. Meanwhile we go away and thinking that’s 100% why they broke up with us. And for the rest of our lives, that’s the thing we have to focus on and change. But they don’t give us the whole picture, so very often we are basing all of our assumptions around a complete truth for them. We also have to remember that if we had been better in the relationship, if we had been stronger, that would changed the dynamic of the relationship.

Sometimes when you get stronger, when you get more confident, when you bring more to the relationship, it reveals more weakness in the other person. Maybe they become intimidated, maybe you started demanding more because you feel more confident and you feel more entitled to more in the relationship and that express how little they’re willing to give. So we have to be very careful in thinking that.

What if the relationship needed to go wrong for you to fulfill your full potential.

Because we do not change when we’re comfortable, we change when we feel genuine stakes, genuine consequences. This relationship, this pain that you’re feeling as difficult as it may be to hear, could be one of the greatest gifts you’ve ever received. Not just for yourself, but for your future relationship, because the person you ultimately end up with is going to benefit from this suffering that you’re going through now. Because you’re going to bring a kinder, more compassionate, more confident you to the table next time- If this pain gets you to do the work.

There is not ONE Person who’s solely capable of fulfilling the role of ‘The One.’ There are 7 billion people on this planet, you were fortunate enough to meet one of the people that you created a deep bond with, and a relationship that was good enough that you can grieve over in this way. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t many more of them out there. They are waiting for you, the only way to guarantee that you never experience any of those lifetimes available to you is to stay in the loop of self blame, judgement, shame and guilt.

So learn to forgive ourselves, for things that we’ve done wrong, for weaknesses, for the mistakes we’ve made. And the ability to reframe any situation, and turn into a gift. Find time and to look back on this year, and to forgive yourselves for the ways that you screwed up this year, the mistakes. And even if you fucked up this year in a bunch of ways, even if you fucked the whole year up. You are able to look back on it and say ‘you know what? Even that is a good thing.’ ‘That’s the foundation of what I’m about to do next.’

Happy Holiday everyone! I can’t wait to have another good year!